toujoursfluer | Appointments Post

[He smiles softly at the coffee brought on waves of hands and gently blows over the brim.]

Awful.

It would seem without someone I respect as considerably smarter than myself around to tell me "no," I'm prone to stupid fits of destructive self-violence. [Blows more of the steam off and takes a careful sip.] In other words I missed you.

[He can't look at her. He never can when he's being honest. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Unable to look someone in the eye when lying? Marco's a little backwards.] And then I was mad about that. [His eyes flatten.] It seems I am angry about everything these days.

But there's no one I can exact my vengeance on. Those responsible are out of reach, so it always piles on. Like a long list of debts that grows more and more red. So I took it out on the only person I trusted to be strong enough to handle it. Myself.

[Another sip and he sets the coffee down.]

[It's good and he should thank her, but he can't seem to get the words out. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and lets it go.]

Do you remember why I was fighting with Ace this time last year?

[the last time she had seen him like that he had been covered in blood. It had been--almost thrilling in a dark and twisted way. The true nature of revenge. She knows the feeling too well though there is little enough left in her to fight it. She's not even entirely sure what he's mad at. At least--not specifically.

She turns the page, though she's not reading]

I've never quite understood Firefist-san. [a non answer. Yes and no. He will fill in the relevant details]

He got to protect your captain with his death, and I cannot do the same for those I love. And I was jealous. So I resented that he was unhappy. If we could have traded places, perhaps we would have. [He wouldn't though. Not because he didn't want to be the one to die, but because living on and watching everything decay while fighting this war wasn't a duty he'd ever wish on someone he loved. And Ikki and Saori seemed to agree, it wasn't something you could do like that.]

Even now, I must say I'm a little jealous of you and your crew.

Were my family here, even from long before they'd met me, I'd take it as a chance to play around with different opportunities.

[A very deep breath.] More than that...

I do not like the position I am in.

Until now, my ways, my father's ways, have been the only correct ways of piracy. And everyone else we let burn.

Now...

[He has to watch, to be helpless, to let them hurt and do nothing about it. To let them drop like rocks if they do not learn to fly or how to get back up to try again.]

[He viewed every difference as an intrusion. And so his world shrank more and more and Marco felt that much more distant from it all.]

[He holds up a hand. To let her hold or slap away as she saw fit. He just hoped she didn't ignore it.]

I no longer know my place.

[More than that, he was terrified he didn't have one. That he was being pushed out, and the idiots taking his place didn't even understand why he stood there, or what it meant, or why it was so difficult.] I am used to only carving out my own place, but in doing that...

I think I expected too much of you. And worse... I'm worried I pushed you too much, and that could have seriously hurt you. And for that I can only deeply apologize, Robin.

[she sighs and shuts her book]

Of course you don't know your place. How can you discover it if you're here? How do you know what any of it means or will come to mean? You exist in a twilight perhaps, but the world moves on and to know what to do about it, you can't hide from it and tell yourself it's better because you can have one more happy day.

Your family is not like my family. Not more. Not less. But different. I could kidnap Usopp here, or Nami, but they wouldn't understand what it meant. Still I would put them before Spock or even you because they are nakama. That is what it means to me.

I can't trust him so blindly. I can barely trust you not to speak of things you have no business speaking of. Don't apologize for pushing me because all that says is you assume automatically that you are right. But perhaps, you're not.

[He turns the held up hand as a sign for her to halt.]

I am not asking you to trust me or Spock as nakama. I promise. [It wasn't that they weren't trusted as nakama that bothered him. It was that she felt this world and their own were too apart to be reconciled together. But how to explain that?] Nor did I speak on your state of mind or business to him, except in that I wanted to cheer you up.

[The hand goes to pinch between his eyes. He still reflexively wants to protect and defend Spock, to explain that emotions are tricky, humans are tricky, and they definitely messed up being time there.] The wording was... awful. But you already know he had good intentions at heart.

[Marco makes a frustrated growl and gets back up to his feet, pacing the room in long quick strides with his hands in his pockets.]

Here or our world, you don't seem to realize Robin, it doesn't matter! [He stops, but he keeps his hands in his pockets as a means of holding himself more in check. Like a bird with clipped wings.] If your crew cannot handle this place, I guarantee you'll not last in the New World. And if I can't find my place with your crew, with this shift of time and eras, twilight or not, then I can't do it in our world. That is not about your crew, that is about me, learning how to do this, and I'm frustrated, because I'm not learning.

Che... [He grabs a seat on a barrel on the other side of the room, practically perching like a bird and leans his back against the wall.] Aye, I do want one more day. And it'll never be enough. I'll always want another and another after that. But you, Nami, Ace, you all don't seem to realize that there is an immense freedom in the extra chances of this place. If you screw up here, what have you got to lose? It isn't permanent. You can make mistakes, take risks here without losing everything for it. [He rests his head against the wall, looking away from her.] Perhaps Ace was always so reckless he couldn't see it.

No. [He looks back at her seriously, his arms folded across his chest now.] By all means, handle your crew as you see fit.

[He voice softens considerably, dropping in volume as well, though still quite audible and he unwinds his arms.] I pushed you because I have to push myself that hard, but that is just-- [Stupid, unwise, hurtful, wrong.] [He tilts his head to the side like a bird and does his best impression of Spock.] Illogical.

[He closes his eyes, gets off the barrel, sits down on the floor in the corner of the room and tugs his legs to his chest.]

[He was so scared of losing her, like he lost so many others, that the more he clung on, the more his general stupidity pushed her away. It was hard not to be angry with himself.]

[Angry with everything.]

[Angry with those who hurt her. Zompano, the Malnosso, time. And he was angry with himself for not being able to protect her better. Even when he tried to cheer her up, it backfired massively and just exposed her.]

[He wanted her to trust him to always protect her, to always have her best at heart, but how could she when he didn't earn it? When even small tests failed.]

[And right when he was most worried about her feeling lonely, she had to go to the forest literally alone.]

[Somehow he messed up worse with her than even Ace.]

[How to prove then that the Straw Hats were strong enough to survive worse than Luceti when they only seemed to take serious blows?]

I think... [His voice is quiet and shaky and he's a little glad that the barrel obscures him a bit.] No crew is only as strong as their captain. [He hadn't wanted to cry this badly in quite a long time.] That's what -- when you said about Spock -- [Too shaky. He focuses on breathing, on regaining calm.] I have to carry on my crew... alone. Maybe we won't add anyone. Maybe we will. I'm not saying you ever should. [He gulps unsteadily and draws even more closed in to his corner.] But.... [A deep breath and his voice is rock steady and commander strong.] Your captain trusts you all to protect each other and hold on. Just as mine did me. And I will not let you falter in that, Robin. None of you. I wish I could allow it, but I can't. [He leans his head on the side wall again, voice going quiet and unsteady.] Too much is riding on it.

[she listens to what he says and watches him. He's angry and tense but wounded, too. The worst part is, she doesn't understand how all the pieces fit together. She doesn't understand what he knows about them-- or what he thinks he knows, and how this place is going to help that. It's not as if they can retain what they've learned. Though they can become stronger here, it is not the same strength as required in the New World.

She stands and moves to sit beside him, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders, pulling it around them both and holding it with hands blossomed from the fabric. She wraps her arms around him and rests her head on his shoulder. She will protect them. She is stronger than she was before. And actually this place played to her strengths of enduring. Letting go what had to be let go and-- and taking back, no matter how raw the wound.

But as for the rest of it...]

I don't understand. How can you say that there is freedom in experimentation? We bring nothing back with us. It's as if everything we've learned here doesn't exist. Nami and Usopp will make the same mistakes here they made before because they will not remember, and back home, none of it will apply.

[though she's not arguing so much as--trying to understand what he thinks of this]

[If he was about ready to break and cry, the hug and blanket from Robin soothe him right back down. He tugs her gently into a close hug, just as determined as always to protect her from everything.]

It won't be the same mistakes because you remember. It won't ever be exactly the same, but that's what's nice about it.

[He closes his eyes and tugs her into his lap so he can protectively wrap his wings around her.] Maybe whatever you learn will only count here and now, and maybe that won't last long, but on the Grand Line, isn't that the risk you take anyway?

[He leans his head against hers and quietly breathes in her scent. Flowers and coffee, strong and subtle.] But at least you know even if a mistake happens, you can try again with something new, some different, just for the fun of it, to see what happens.

It's like having a million extra second chances. It's not final or the end of things. With slavery... they use your friends against you. They say do this and endure or we'll cause your friends unimaginable pain and suffering. You aren't trapped in a barrier, you're trapped in choices. You don't get to choose anything. You can't try anything. You get to choose between pain and death. That's no choice. Here, you can't always protect your friends from things, but isn't that the same as normal life? There are many things no one can be protected from, but even here, there's time to heal again and the horrible things end. Here, if your choice doesn't go the way you want, you'll have another chance to try something different.

That's about as free as I can imagine, Robin. Freer. [He holds her close anyway, desperate to protect her and to borrow some her own strength he knew she had.

[it's not freedom. She will never-- she can't accept it as freedom. But perhaps as a way to cope. Perhaps the only way he can cope. It's not slavery, no, but it's prison just the same. Freedom means movement. It means progression. It means going where you want with only the distance itself to slow you down. There can be none of that here.

It's not fun for her to start over. It's not fun for any of them. If it was fun, Nami wouldn't be in so much pain. But-- it's what he has to tell himself to deal with it. And maybe it is freedom to him. But... She lifts her head, resting her chin on the top of his while she strokes his hair lightly and the smooth skin on the back of his head.]

I don't want second chances, Marcchan. Or third chances, or fourth. I have no regrets in regards to my nakama, even here. You can't endlessly fix things and there will always be something that will go wrong. This place can't be freedom for me.

[and it isn't freedom for him, no matter what he says. It's a place to escape, perhaps. A bird going willingly into the cage from a world too big for it. Responsibilities too heavy.]

But I won't let it break me, and I won't let it break them--even if they all forget me. I will protect them regardless.

[and it's the only comfort she can think to give him.]

I know, love. I know you will. [He gently strokes her hair, but there's a frown. So much pain. Was this really the crew of the future King?]

[But Ace hadn't seen it his way either. Was Marco the one in error? But Law seemed to feel the same way he did. Surely they weren't that sheltered.]

[He wants to protect Robin. To protect her crew. To let his actions speak for themselves. But when he set himself up for the impossible... to never lose anyone, he was doomed to fail. Very well, then his position was the same, to help them find joy here while and whenever he could.]

[He kisses her forehead gently and leans on her again.] I think I remember my place again, yoi.

[So easily? She's glad but she doesn't think she'll ever understand you, Marco. Not entirely. It's something she's come to accept, however]

Have you? And what is that? [she holds him a little closer because he is warm and because he needs it (and so does she)]

Right here, next to you. [He tugs her into a warm winged hug fully determined to give her a shield from the world.]

Though I suppose you still want to injure me for talking so recklessly, eh.

[She smiles and shakes her head, ducking into the blue to rest her head on his shoulder and nestle in his warmth]

It's over. If you're taken from me tomorrow I will have no regrets.

[but...]

I don't want to be the guest of honor of any party.

[it was too much attention. Even for her friends. She would rather do what she liked around the edges rather than be in the spotlight]

That, I can understand. [Softly leans on her hair and keeps her warm. Truthfully, Marco is much the same way. The party for him last year had helped because he was surrounded by relaxed people who all liked him so it wasn't stressful, but usually such things didn't appeal to him either.] What if we had a gathering of your friends and expanded the garden? That way Nami and Usopp will inevitably be involved as well.

It can be a final farewell to summer and we can bring books.

[she nods, basking in the warmth and then laughs softly and lightly pushes against him though with no effort to actually dislodge herself.]

Books? At a party? Marcchan, no one will come.

Of course they will! You're underestimating the number of people who want to be with you.

[she reddens a little at that, glad he can't see.] Maybe one or two. [or a little less now that Twilight-chan is gone]

Give yourself more credit, love. [Pulls back and gently kisses her cheek.] That's why we were thinking of a party. Not to ease the burden of missing nakama, because nothing can do that. But to remind you that you still have people here who love you. It's becoming a moot point, but still.

[Love? She flushed. Well perhaps not that but at least had affection for. She smiled at the kiss and gave him a gentle one in return before resting her head on his shoulder]

I trust you then. [and her arms tighten around him a little] And I missed you.

Appointments Post

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